Everywhere I go

I know this is not the end.
But sometimes I wish it would just end like this.
Again, I'm in this depressive mood....don't get the wrong idea, I personally hate the word "mood" to describe this very feeling one has at times, 'cause it means you eventuelly will get over that mood and be happy again...gnah~ for me it feels like it never goes to end, ever.
Every so often I do wish it wouldn't end, because I was afraid of the time after; what does await me "there"; it feels like I'm afraid of something, and I am, it's dangerous for me.
I cannot explain what is dangerous; it just is.
So, that is one of the reasons why I want to feel depressed as long as possible in order not to have to see what comes next, good or bad.

What step is to do next?
What's the right thing to do now?
What do I have to do to get everything alright already?
What is the right path?

I cannot answer that, and no other can.
That is so frightening.
And if I keep thinking that, nothing will change.
I know I know that.
And that is my weakness too.
I know what I do wrong and that I have to work hard to make it better, I really do, I'm working hard, but it's not enough yet.
In my head I know what to do, and it annoys me to no end that my feelings and body cannot follow!!
And what are the concequences?
I hurt myself intenionally for my weakness.
Inside.
I humiliate myself, I fuck myself raw, crush my feelings so it hurts me.
I must feel that I am weak.
That I am nothing.
I cannot do anything.
I'm in may own way; I am hindering and restraining myself.
I want it to stop, maybe then I am able to stand up from the dusty ground and go the next step?
Grahh~ where can I take the strenght from that I need so badly?
Give me strenght.
I need strenght.

I need to know where I go.
I need to know what path I should decide on.
I need I need I need I need I need I need I need I need...

Again it's all about my inner bleeding.

To go my own path without a doubt, that's what I want.

I know what restrains me: The fact not to know if I will make it.
I'm not the strongest person...I have not much power, all the power I have I can mobilize once; that's the feeling I have.
I have only one chance; it has to be the right decision I make.

Do I want to become a secretary?
No, I want to be an animal keeper in a zoo or a veterinarian, yes.
But do I have all the power left that is needed to fullfill this dream?
And I want to see my own manga being published someday, too.
Do I have the power to do it?
To go to school again, to do the A-level exam, to go to an universitiy for some years?
I'm already 20...How long will it take for me?

And this year it's for sure, that I don't have an apprenticeship training position...
So what do I do now?
What to do with this year?

....I have to train to be energetic again; to have power.
Therefore I have to be in rehab.
I know I dont't want to be in rehab again.
...but right now it seems to be the only path available.
What do I do?
What do I do?
I cannot decide....