Everywhere I go

I know this is not the end.
But sometimes I wish it would just end like this.
Again, I'm in this depressive mood....don't get the wrong idea, I personally hate the word "mood" to describe this very feeling one has at times, 'cause it means you eventuelly will get over that mood and be happy again...gnah~ for me it feels like it never goes to end, ever.
Every so often I do wish it wouldn't end, because I was afraid of the time after; what does await me "there"; it feels like I'm afraid of something, and I am, it's dangerous for me.
I cannot explain what is dangerous; it just is.
So, that is one of the reasons why I want to feel depressed as long as possible in order not to have to see what comes next, good or bad.

What step is to do next?
What's the right thing to do now?
What do I have to do to get everything alright already?
What is the right path?

I cannot answer that, and no other can.
That is so frightening.
And if I keep thinking that, nothing will change.
I know I know that.
And that is my weakness too.
I know what I do wrong and that I have to work hard to make it better, I really do, I'm working hard, but it's not enough yet.
In my head I know what to do, and it annoys me to no end that my feelings and body cannot follow!!
And what are the concequences?
I hurt myself intenionally for my weakness.
Inside.
I humiliate myself, I fuck myself raw, crush my feelings so it hurts me.
I must feel that I am weak.
That I am nothing.
I cannot do anything.
I'm in may own way; I am hindering and restraining myself.
I want it to stop, maybe then I am able to stand up from the dusty ground and go the next step?
Grahh~ where can I take the strenght from that I need so badly?
Give me strenght.
I need strenght.

I need to know where I go.
I need to know what path I should decide on.
I need I need I need I need I need I need I need I need...

Again it's all about my inner bleeding.

To go my own path without a doubt, that's what I want.

I know what restrains me: The fact not to know if I will make it.
I'm not the strongest person...I have not much power, all the power I have I can mobilize once; that's the feeling I have.
I have only one chance; it has to be the right decision I make.

Do I want to become a secretary?
No, I want to be an animal keeper in a zoo or a veterinarian, yes.
But do I have all the power left that is needed to fullfill this dream?
And I want to see my own manga being published someday, too.
Do I have the power to do it?
To go to school again, to do the A-level exam, to go to an universitiy for some years?
I'm already 20...How long will it take for me?

And this year it's for sure, that I don't have an apprenticeship training position...
So what do I do now?
What to do with this year?

....I have to train to be energetic again; to have power.
Therefore I have to be in rehab.
I know I dont't want to be in rehab again.
...but right now it seems to be the only path available.
What do I do?
What do I do?
I cannot decide....

etwas deprimiert...~

möp~

Hach~
Ich bin irgendwie enttäuscht...von Vamps v_v;;;~
Gerade habe ich gehört, dass RA:IN zum ersten Mal nach Deutschland kommen und zwei Konzerte geben, eine Freundin von mir wird ausflippen.
Dir en Grey kommen auch wieder, meine Freundin ist im Siebten Himmel.
Und was machen Vamps bzw. Hyde? ...touren in Amiland... v___v;~~
Es ist ja schön, dass sie wenigstens ihr erstes Album dieses Jahr rausbringen...
aber ich habe das Gefühl, als wolle Hyde gar nicht nacht Deutschland oder überhaupt wieder nach Europa...
Wie soll man da als eurpäischer Fan glücklich sein?!
Hyde, verdammt, komm her, du sau, sonst gibt's was!! >__________< *verzweifelt desu* ...ich würde ihn nur einfach so wahnsinnig gerne wiedersehen... Wer zum Teufel hat denn ständig (oder überhaupt?!) das Geld zu einem Japan-Konzert zu fliegen?! Ich bin ehrlich ganz schön deprimiert ~_~;;;~ Warum kommen alle anderen Bands nach Deutschland und nur er nicht? Nya~ v,v ändern kann ichs ja leider auch nicht...möp~ Ich wünsche aber meinen Freunden viel Spaß bei ihren Konzerten! ^-^
Vielleicht können sie ja länger in Berlin bleiben, da das RA:IN Konzert direkt nach dem Diru Konzert ist, ebenfalls in Berlin.
Und da meine Freundin eh gerne einen Kurzurlaub machen möchte, würde sich das ja dann anbieten.

...schade, dass ich nicht dabei sein kann ;_;~
v______v;;~ *schnüff*

...ich bin aber froh, mir den ersten Band von Card Captor Sakura in neuer Auflage gekauft zu haben :3
das wollte ich ehrlich gesagt schon immer gemacht haben...und ich freue mich, dass es nun soweit ist! hehe~
CLAMP ist einfach toll. ^0^~





Und mein Sai-Cosplay nimmt auch so langsam Form an xDD~ *freu*
Meine Oma will, dass es morgen fertig ist, damit sie nicht mehr kommen und helfen muss xD
Nja, dann muss ich noch den einen Handschuh zurechtnähen, die Hose kürzen und die Schuhe machen...wobei letzteres das schwierigste wird >_>;;;~
Aber zum Glück haben wir ja ein Schnittmuster xD
...wir müssen dazu aber nochmal neuen Stoff kaufen...
Oh, und das Strinband müssen wir noch fertig machen!!
Mal sehen, wie wir das Konoha-Zeichen darauf kriegen Ôo
Und ich brauch diese beschissenen Gürtelschnallen! >_<;;;~
...ist ja doch noch mehr als ich dachte...hmmm~

möööööööööööö~p!!!

back from D-dorf yay x33~

xD




So, my girlfriend and me went to Düsseldorf yesterday ^w^~
"Japan-Viertel" ahoi! xDDD~

Oh, we did see the "Vamps-Cafe" and there were 666 free parking places...Hyde have you been there anyhow?! Ôo ...so many hints xDD~ *fangirl desu* v//v

Surpsingly enough, I didn't buy that much actually Ôo
no hyde or L'arc~en~ciel stuff...nothing .___.;;;~
I just didn't feel like I needed anything from them right now...you know, I get everything I want from lifejornal or other sources...yeah...
but that doesen't mean I don't love them anymore! x333~
...I guess it's just that D-dorf isn't my "life-saver" anymore, all the stuff I can buy there I can easily get from out of the internet lately...so...what I'm trying to say is that I bought unuseful, trashy stuff xDDD~

I bought myself chocolate Pockys, a japanese Naruto manga and two little bleach figures ^-^ ...which where expensive like hell!! roar~
and you wouldn't know which figure you get...until you bought them and are allowed to open the box that is xD~
that's why my girlfriend bought two final fantasy boxes with figures for herself...and was happy she got Rikku, the one she wanted so badly :3
The othert one turned out to be Aerith...which she wants to paint and maybe throw away xD~
I bought two different boxes, I wanted to get Nel and Grimmjow...And I was all happy I got Nel x3333~
and Grimmjow turned out to be Ichigo xD~ ...that's not that bad really.

yay, then I bought ichigo Pockys for my friend and sesame ramen for me and my sis, hehehehe~ RAMEN'S THE BESHT! harhar~

Oh and the german number 3 and 4 of "Ohnmächtig vor Glück" I bought, too xD

yes, that is all. :P


here you have some pictures:

Say hi to Nel x3Ichigo looks scary xDD~ so hopefully that helps me learn japanese more easily ^^;
I so love this story about this hetero pairing xD
(usually I mostly read shonen-ai and yaoi stuff o///v)

the Ramen and the Pockys xDDD~