Why is it all so hard?
I want everything to be okay...but it just is not.
I want to live a life without much regret and without much lies.
I know it is not possible to live a life all without any regrets and lies, it just doesn't work that way.
But I am trying not to lie to myself and others as much as I can and I try to live without many things would I regret....it is not easy. But that's my way I want to live, it is a quite honest one.

Why is it then that others lie to themselves and lie to me?
They regret doing so, and I regret hearing them and knowing a little bit of their true feelings.
It hurts me.
It hurts me to be lied to although I know how this person is actually feeling.
Of course I cannot know for sure but when you came to know someone you know what that person is thinking.
I always get the feeling I am lied to but then I cannot be 100% sure about that...
But I feel there is more to it than I've been told.
Why are people lying to me?
It fucking hurts me.
Tell me what you really want.
Tell me what you don't want.
I cannot say I am sorry for what I did when no one tells me.
I cannot do the things you want me to when you are not honest with me.
If you want to go to that party even though you told me you would not got if I didn't go, well then just tell me honestly.
Of course I have some issues with that.
But it hurts so much more hearing you say you won't go and knowing deep inside you want to.
You feel bad for not doing what you want to do and lying to me.
And I feel bad for being lied to and having to feel insecure because I just don't know what you honestly feel and want to do anymore.
If you don't tell me honestly I cannot know. I cannot make it better. I cannot do it better next time. I do not know when I am doing it wrong again.

And being distant is not the answer to that.
It will only make it worse.
Stand up to yourself's desires and wishes.
Even if it hurt someone.
Say it out aloud.
The answer to thas is not knowing how to handle such situations in the long run, the answer is to know how to handle the situation when it actually occurs/happens.
Otherwise you will continue to lie to yourselv and others.
It will only get worse. It will get wrong.
Until it's all to wrong, too late.

I don't want that.
I don't want to be lied at. I feel insecure when that happens.
I don't want to be lied at.
I cannot react to people who don't tell me the truth about what they want and don't want.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure how to face you the next time...

Nice day

Today my mum, my sis and me went to the Kirmes.
It was much fun.
We ate chips and pizza and got on the ferry's wheel (well my mum did not xD) and bought strawberries and grape fruits with chocolate *U*
It was a nice and smooth evening, I am very grateful for that.
I'm glad I went.

Tomorrow I have to give my car to my sister, since her car is broken right now and needs to be repaired. The car of her boyfriend is broken, too, so she needs my car to go to work next week. It's not a problem, really, since I have holidays, but....totally being without a car and not have enough money to go enywhere by bus ..is kinda a strange feeling, I tell you xD~
But oh well, I will survive it.

Concering the package: I already requested his "Kassenbeleg" for sending the package.
In my next mail I will tell him to fill out a "Nachforschungsantrag" at DHL and send me a copy of that, too.
Only the one who send the package can request this inquiery, so I need the copies to actually see that he really searches for the package and is not fooling me, you know.
I don't know if I am able to "verklagen" him...since the package was uncovered...and that means I have the responsebility of it all.
We think I cannot request my money back. Shit.

Well...let's see what will come.
I just don't know if we actually can afford a new christmas present then.... v_v;;~

And I ordered a new Manga from amazon.
I REALLY LOVE YOU AMAZON BECAUSE YOU I CAN BLINDLY TRUST!!!! <333~>
Kukukukukukuku~

Right now I'm reading a fanfiction where Naruto is deaf *_*
I like handicapped people in fanfictions and mangas x3333~
See Naono Bohra x3333333~

Out of luck

I guess I ran out of luck.
Everyone just hates me about right now.

At first, I lost my manga at mcdondalds.
Well, it was not entirely my fault, since when I came back from the restroom my friends already came torwards me, holding my jacket, bag and stuff to be quick and get going to the station. I had no time left to even think about to look at our seats again, IF there are still things lying there. Well....and you have to admit, that you can at least trust your friends to look themselves, if they have everythinng.
But they said they did and there would not have been anything left.

I believe that they looked and made sure. But even for them it had to be going quickly, so I assume they did not look good enough. I mean, my manga was there ._.
I think it slipped to the floor when they took my jacket and bag from the chairs....How else can you explain it?
So, it was our all's fault.
But even though you can guess, I'm so very, very , very angry.

I wanted to read that manga, I really did. And then that shit.
Why me?

And secondly, my girlfriend bitches around.
Well, I say if somethings's not right for me, she does not.
After a while then she tells me she's not right with this and that....well, how can I change things that already occured?
I won't change myself, I can't. I did. Now it's enough.


Thirdly, the package won't arrive.



See, the world hates me.
But that's alright. Because I'm the evil one. Yeah. Please blame it on me.

Kukukukukuku~
Go fuck yourselves, oh holy ones!
My time is running out.
But I won't let you bury it.

Omae datta.
Omae datta.
Omae dattanda.



Yeah, das Englisch ist mal voll daneben Ôo;;~
Aber was soll's!?????????????
DAS LEBEN HASST MICH UND ENGLISCH AUCH!!!

ICH DENKE NUR AN DICH
ICH DENKE NUR AN DICH
ICH DENKE IMMER NUR AN DICH
DOCH DAS ALLES REICHT DIR NICHT
ICH DENKE NUR AN DICH
VERFUCKT SEIST DUUUUUuuuuu~
UH yeah!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK~
Screaming in pain, it doesn't matter, it does not anymore
I won't the see the light, not anymore
Darkness ensued, never to be broken down
Not to be defeated
Not to be enlightened
Not to be, no no
I won't say it
No I won't
Let's leave it all behind
It's easier that way, it really is
Crave for warmth and tenderness
I'm a tiger, scratching your skin with my evil claws
Roar~
I'm scarring you, so full of deep red scars
yeah~
Keeping this up
No one will break me
I do it myself
But you would not know
You'll never know
Since we are all so blin, so blind
and deaf and silent
wings where are you?
my back is scratched, no wings there any longer
I'm bound to the earth
not flying ever again~