Naglaya

Why is it all so hard?
I want everything to be okay...but it just is not.
I want to live a life without much regret and without much lies.
I know it is not possible to live a life all without any regrets and lies, it just doesn't work that way.
But I am trying not to lie to myself and others as much as I can and I try to live without many things would I regret....it is not easy. But that's my way I want to live, it is a quite honest one.

Why is it then that others lie to themselves and lie to me?
They regret doing so, and I regret hearing them and knowing a little bit of their true feelings.
It hurts me.
It hurts me to be lied to although I know how this person is actually feeling.
Of course I cannot know for sure but when you came to know someone you know what that person is thinking.
I always get the feeling I am lied to but then I cannot be 100% sure about that...
But I feel there is more to it than I've been told.
Why are people lying to me?
It fucking hurts me.
Tell me what you really want.
Tell me what you don't want.
I cannot say I am sorry for what I did when no one tells me.
I cannot do the things you want me to when you are not honest with me.
If you want to go to that party even though you told me you would not got if I didn't go, well then just tell me honestly.
Of course I have some issues with that.
But it hurts so much more hearing you say you won't go and knowing deep inside you want to.
You feel bad for not doing what you want to do and lying to me.
And I feel bad for being lied to and having to feel insecure because I just don't know what you honestly feel and want to do anymore.
If you don't tell me honestly I cannot know. I cannot make it better. I cannot do it better next time. I do not know when I am doing it wrong again.

And being distant is not the answer to that.
It will only make it worse.
Stand up to yourself's desires and wishes.
Even if it hurt someone.
Say it out aloud.
The answer to thas is not knowing how to handle such situations in the long run, the answer is to know how to handle the situation when it actually occurs/happens.
Otherwise you will continue to lie to yourselv and others.
It will only get worse. It will get wrong.
Until it's all to wrong, too late.

I don't want that.
I don't want to be lied at. I feel insecure when that happens.
I don't want to be lied at.
I cannot react to people who don't tell me the truth about what they want and don't want.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure.
I feel insecure how to face you the next time...